I was suppose to post this last night but was having a rough day (as you’ll read) and I forgot. So here it is…
Well I was suppose to go on a two day trip today, however, I was starting to have a bit of anxiety so I called off work. My fathers birthday is in three days… I’ve been trying for the past 13 years to emotionally work on his death and the PTSD I got from the day he committed suicide (which I was there at that time).
I know that a lot of you won’t be able to relate but there are some of you that can. So those of you who can, you know that there is no rhyme or reason to how these ‘onset’ of emotions start. I mean there are days that I see the ‘red flags’ and try to deflect them. But then there are days like today that I don’t even see it coming.
So along with calling off work, I also made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow. There are so many emotions that go on when this happens to me. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? Or… I thought I was doing so good emotionally with all of this so why do I periodically keep hitting this wall?
Sometimes I’m not sure of any of it except that all I can do is seek help, use my resources of support, stay strong and keep moving forward.
I hope that anyone who is going through depression/PTSD from the loss of a loved one knows that it’s not you. From years of talk therapy and the plethora of books I’ve read, it’s just the situation of the event that hasn’t processed thoroughly in our brain. And if you’re an Empath like me, recently I’ve been learning that this depression isn’t mine.. it never has been! I’ve spent 50 years believing it was mine, to the point that I owned it and also used defense mechanisms to camouflage it!
I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone but it’s like my old saying… what you surround yourself with is what you become. Meaning, that when I was little my dad was probably depressed then as well. And at an early age I felt the emotions of his depression. But at that early age I couldn’t decipher or make sense of it, so I took it on as my own. Thankfully through therapy and my Spiritual Healer I’m learning to process this new revelation that took me 50 years to see!
I am determined to not spend the rest of my life letting this control me. All I want to do is live this one life that I have. To truly experience love and happiness towards myself. To finally let go of the pain that is hidden deep inside, to be me, to reach my full potential and to heal and help others that are feeling the way I do. So for those of you out there that are going through this: please stay strong, seek help/support and know you are AMAZING! Just BREATHE!
Lots of hugz and kisses to you!
“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow” ~ Unknown