After my third divorce some people would joke about how many times I had been married. Although I never wanted to sift through marriages, I’m still a human with feelings and it did bother me a little when people would joke. It was the day that my Aunt said to me, “If anyone jokes with you about how many times you’ve been married, just tell them you are practicing for the right one,” That saying had given me a new perspective on those jokes. She was awesome and what she said was just the fuel I needed for not caring what others thought about my ending relationships with men.
Now even though I had been married three times and a fiance at one point, I did still believe in love and wasn’t going to let any bad relationship taint my feelings of it. I was still going to allow someone into my life and take a chance once again. Before I met my fourth husband I was pretty much a single mom, working 2-3 jobs and finishing up college to get my degree in Criminal Justice. It was 2004 and I was living in Tampa, FL. with my boyfriend and trying to juggle my crazy world. A year into our relationship, we had a falling out because here I was financially struggling and I had found out he was putting money aside to give me for a car. I know you’re probably thinking, why would I be mad at that? Well, I didn’t need a car because I already had one and there was nothing wrong with it. What I really needed was financial help. Don’t get me wrong that wasn’t the only reason why we ended our relationship, there were several other things as well.
The boyfriend ended up moving out and my girlfriend Irena ended up moving in. It was perfect because her and I were working together at that time and she was like a sister to me, a Czech sister that is. I really enjoyed having her there and sometimes when we’d come home from work (we both were bartenders) it would take us awhile to wind down. One of our ways of winding down was going on Myspace to see what people were doing, decorating our Myspace page or just watching silly snip-it videos. While on Myspace there was this certain guy who friend requested me and we would chat on and off. He was married and going through some difficult times with his wife. I would listen to him and give my feedback, I never chose sides because I didn’t know his wife or the whole story. I found out years later that he never liked most of my feedback because as I said, I never chose his or her side but the one I thought was right. I think the last thing I remember talking to him about was that him and his wife had just bought a house. Not too long after that conversation with him my dad had committed suicide and everything went down hill from there.
If you have been following my blogs you know pretty much what was happening in my life during this time. I don’t want to make this blog a 3-4 part blog either so I’m just going to run through the next several events. I’m going to leave a majority of the details for my book. Not to mention, my ex and I knew each other for almost 10 years and this could get long if I don’t curtail my story.
So as I was saying… After my father committed suicide I was devastated. It felt like my world was not just falling apart but collapsing and it was crushing my heart. My girlfriend had told me that one night she saw my door closed and could hear me clicking my gun repeatedly. She ended up moving out which I didn’t think twice about because that’s what I wanted at the time… everyone to be away from me. Looking back I feel horrible for what she had to deal with me or the fact she wasn’t sure how she could help me. I don’t think anyone could because I was alienating myself from everyone, even getting off of MySpace. Unless you’ve been in that place you may not comprehend what I’m saying or be able to understand it. But in that moment I felt like I was on a path of self-destruction spiraling into the dark abyss and pushing everyone away from me. And any little sense I had left refused to take anyone down that path with me.
In the six months after his death I had attempted suicide six times with one of them almost losing my life too. When I got out of the hospital I had to be released to a family member, my older brother took on that responsibility. I had gone home to pack up all my things and put it in storage. My son moved back to his father’s house and I took my two cats and moved up to Chicago. I was only there for maybe a month and one day said to myself, “I can’t do this, I need to be with my son.” And to be honest, I wasn’t ready to be around an environment that everything reminded me of my dad. I ended up moving back down to Florida and mentally just trying to block out any memories of my father and his death just to make it through each day.
Fast forward… that guy that I had talked to from Myspace had ended up contacting me when I moved back to Florida. This time him and his wife were now separated and going to counseling to try and save their marriage. And just like before, I continued to lend an ear and give my advice while being objective. Eventually we became good friends and I would talk to him almost every day. I wasn’t looking to be with him or anyone at that time because I was just trying to stay focused on my son and work. Then one day it happened… he texted me something about being his girlfriend. I never saw it coming, I was falling in love with him and I never even met him in person. The next thing you know he was going to divorce his wife, leave his job that he’d been at forever and move away from his family to be with me. I remember at one point telling him, “You have baggage, stay there and do what you need to do. If we are meant to be you’ll find me again.” Well I thought I was saying the right thing but apparently not. He ended up getting a job in Tampa and moving in with me and my son.
In the beginning of our relationship we did have some struggles with the fact that he still had to have contact with his ex-wife. Although their divorce was swiftly done by years end, they still had to sell their house. For the first six months I was taking care of all our home finances and my bills because he had to still pay half of his mortgage for their house. We were so financially strapped that it eventually came down to him selling some of his guitars. That just sickened me because he should of never of had to do that. There were times that his ex-wife would complain that she had no money and would have him pay for house needs. Although later we found out that she wasn’t paying the mortgage (but paying her bills down), her sister had moved in with her, was giving her $1000 a month and she was going on all these vacations. Now whether someone paid for her trips or not, it still wasn’t right and I use to get upset about it. Upset with the fact that instead of doing what I’ve always done in divorces, trying to make it an easy separating of ways and being an adult… this wasn’t the situation with them. I’m not going to take sides but they both could of handled this in a much better way. But you know how feelings get in the way and people don’t think rational in those moments.
My boyfriend and I did have our ups and downs and maybe there were some red flags that I should of adhered too but sometimes we just have to go with the flow and take chances. Not too long down the road they sold their house and now him and I could finally move on with our lives. Things were going fine the first few years now that we were able to close that chapter in his life. I wanted us to start enjoying our life so I had made a bucket list of things we could do and have some fun memories together. Slowly we started knocking some of them off our list. In 2012 we ended up getting married and at this time we were living in a very beautiful house. My son was living with us on and off, we had my two cats (Spooky & Bones) that I’ve had forever and we eventually adopted two dogs (Mylo & Bailey). To say the least, we had a full house but it was complete. At this point we should have been building our happy home but life took us (mainly me) on a roller-coaster ride.
~ To Be Continued~