In 2013 when I had “unconsciously” tried to take my life, I had another major pivot point decision to make and that decision was clear. Either end my life or figure my shit out, obviously I took the latter. At that time I started to dive into positive quotes and self-help books. It wasn’t easy at first because everything I read was about being happy and thinking positive, which I wasn’t feeling either. Deep down inside I was still hurting from my dads death and I was just trying to make it through each day, more like faking it. In all honesty, I didn’t want to analyze my feelings, face them or for that matter get through them. I just wanted to soak in my negative feelings because of the guilt and anger I still had with his death. I knew if I had to face my feelings and bring out my emotions from that incident, then I would have to face the truth… the truth that he was gone. I remember fighting with myself mentally when I would read those “positive” quotes or books. I would think, every day can’t be butterflies and rainbows and the people talking about these things are crazy. I felt like I was in a battle, a battle within myself. Part of me was tired and conflicted with not knowing my purpose in life after all the things I had been through. And the other part of me wanted to keep pushing forward to see what the Universe, that higher power had in store for me.
Eventually in my own season of retrospect I would come to the realization that I spent a majority of my life going through some challenging life experiences for a reason. And even though I sought counseling for some of those experiences, subconsciously they deeply instilled negative feelings that were never fully healed. It did take me awhile to retrain my brain to start thinking positive and to be honest, it was my biggest challenge. After living decades of guilt, pain, self-destruction, insecurity and a plethora of other emotions I had to diligently try my hardest to channel all those negative emotions into something positive.
It wasn’t just the positive and motivational readings I was indulging in but the green exercise meditations I started to do that got me on the right path. Now, I wasn’t sitting there with my legs crossed, eyes closed and humming Om but this meditation was different. Whether I was outside gardening, raking leaves, cleaning the pool or just walking my dogs, I would meditate. This meditation was exhilarating for me because it allowed me to silence my mind and just enjoy the beauty of nature around me. It took me awhile to finally figure out how to completely do this meditation but in no time it gave me some silence to my mind I was looking for. It wasn’t just silence I found but it also opened my mind to notice the little things around me and understand my true feelings. One of my favorite green exercise meditations was when I would go walk my dogs.
As I said, when I first started to learn how to meditate my mind would start to rapidly get overwhelmed by thoughts. Thoughts of what bills do I need to pay, what am I going to make for dinner, what chores do I need to do today, etc.. But one of my ways I learned to silence my mind of those thoughts and worries was by focusing on Mother Nature around me. Like how bright the sun was, did it feel warm or hot on my head and what part of my head felt that sun on it. I would even go further and concentrate on the sound of the birds chirping or the trees blowing in the wind. I got to be so good at silencing the chaos in my mind that when I went on walks with my dogs all I could hear is the beautiful sounds of Mother Nature all around me. There were even times when I knew actually what bird was near by because of the sound of it’s chirp. I became in love with this new way of meditating because it gave me so much clarity of the sounds and feelings all around me that I had never noticed before. And for once in my life, it gave the chaos in my head silence. I truly felt that indulging in my Spiritual walk was the path I needed to follow and it would lead me to so much more self-growth I had been searching for. This new way was teaching me to silence my thoughts, ground myself to the earth and learn to just concentrate on one thing at a time. Today is for today’s problems, tomorrow is another day. As time went on, my stress became lessened and my worries were almost non-existent. Training my brain to think and feel a different way wasn’t something that just happened overnight for me. To this day I have to continually keep at it but the more I stick with rewiring my thinking the less I have that negativity and depression.
A year or so after my divorce I decided I would start dating again. There was two or three guys here and there that I would try to get with but one in particular. He happened to be a pilot with the same airline I work for and we got along great. I had started to notice that in the first few weeks of knowing him that I would have diarrhea of the mouth. I would tell him pretty much everything about my life, even that I use to be a former Adult Film Star. Months down the road of us talking I noticed that I started being overwhelming with him and not acting like myself. On one hand I would try to push him away by telling him all the things I’ve been through in my life. My strange thought at that time was that if he knew everything about me, he would run. But on the other hand, I was doing and saying things to prove that I would be good for him. Talk about major conflict.
There had been several times I would talk with my girlfriend about my actions and feelings towards this guy. She would give me her opinion and although some days were for this guy, other days weren’t. On those days she wouldn’t be in his favor, I would just shun her opinions off. In reality, I did see the red flags dangling over my head but I didn’t want to face the truth. The truth was that I was chasing someone who really didn’t have feelings for me like I did for him. There was this one particular day that I was sitting outside thinking about my relationship with this guy. When all of a sudden and out of the blue I said to myself, what the hell are you doing? That’s the day I started to analyze my actions towards these men, particularly that one pilot. I realized I was trying to push him away because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. That if I told him everything about me he would think I’m damaged and not want to be with me. And as for trying to sell myself by proving I’m good for him, I realized that was from the mixed feelings I was left with after my last husband that never really got resolved. I know, it sounds odd to have both spectrums of this situation but like I said, I was battling with conflicting emotions. Those conflicts were the results from my last husband which stemmed from two moments in our relationship. One being that on our year anniversary when I tried to initiate sex with him, he rolled over and went to sleep. The other was that we weren’t intimate for the last four years of our marriage. So you can see how it left me with a lot of insecurities, especially that of feeling unattractive and unwanted.
Now that all of these conflicting emotions were coming to light, I spent the next few months doing some soul searching. I came to terms with not living in my fairy-tale anymore of thinking I had to be with a man nor be married to be happy. That I needed to learn how to love myself first before I could truly love someone else. That I had nothing to prove to any guy to want to be with me because if he couldn’t except me for who I am than I didn’t need to be with him. I also learned to stop thinking I didn’t deserve to have a real kind of love. I guess you can say that I finally had enough with my bad relationship choices because of my insecurities from my past. I was ready to find out who I really was, figure out what I really wanted in a relationship and truly love myself. Amongst all of that self-acknowledgment and self-growth, I eventually became content with the fact that I could spend the rest of my life by myself and be happy. So with this new enlightenment of understanding… I stopped looking and chasing men and started learning more about myself and enjoying my own company.
I will add to this by saying when you do stop looking for something (that means subconsciously looking too), it does find you. I did end up finding someone who is the male version of me. I don’t know what the Universe has in store for our relationship or even know how long it will last. But we both agreed that we take each day at a time and enjoy each moment together. If it’s forever, that’s great. But if it’s just for a short period of time, that’s great too. We are both in agreement that we focus on the now and not the future. And right now… I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
Over the past few years in my Spiritual walk it had led me to finally start cleansing myself of those deep subconscious feelings of my past. I started to learn so many things about myself and letting go of all that hurt that was inside of me. That even in those moments of feeling alone, I really wasn’t because I had me and I started to really like myself and my own company. My confidence was slowly creeping back in along with realizing what my purpose was in this life. I had told myself that my dream job of being a Flight Attendant wasn’t my purpose, it was just the role I had to play. It was actually all of the people I would come into contact with that was my purpose. Meaning, whether they taught me something for my self-growth or I taught them something… that was my purpose. I was meant to learn from others to help me reach my full potential and teaching others kindness, compassion and letting them know they are special and to guide them to their full potential, that’s what I was meant to do in this lifetime.
So now armed with all this understanding, albeit still a bit perplexed, I started to get my motivation back on continuing to write my book. I was finally in my season to be vulnerable to the world and let them know my life story. That in hopes of all that transparency of my life that I could reach someone out there and they could get the courage and hope to reach their full potential too. So a freind of mine suggest to me that I ramp up my social media to reach people and also start blogging. And that’s exactly what I did! I started my blog on February 2, 2019 and made a goal for myself. That by the end of this year my full story would be told and then in 2020 I would start writing my book. It’s been another challenging year for me due to health issues but I’m happy to say that I’ve stuck to my goal and this is my last blog post… until my book comes out!
In my world it is never goodbye, it’s…. until I talk to you next time! XOXOXO
Hugz & Kisses,
“I’m stronger because I had to be, I’m smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I’ve known, and now wiser because I learned.” Author Unknown