As I sit here this evening over a month into the New Year… unfortunately, I still haven’t worked. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but I’m having major cabin fever! I miss physically feeling like myself, I miss flying and I miss being social.
I thought for sure after this second back procedure I would be up and going again but it hasn’t quite worked out that way. I don’t mind being off work if I was actually being productive but that hasn’t been the case. I never thought I’d come to the point at such an early age that I would be limited on my daily activities… but I have. And not to mention, I miss working because my finances are getting tight. It can be overwhelming but I’m just trying to take it day by day.
I’m not sure what life lesson I’m suppose to be learning from all of this but if I wasn’t on this anti-depressant, have the knowledge of how to stay positive and have a great boyfriend to help me out… I would have probably lost my “shit” by now. Right now as I write this it’s almost midnight, I have had a muscle relaxer and a few drinks (not drunk) and I just can’t seem to fall asleep because my legs are numb and hurting. I sit here and think how people that fall into situations like mine or worse can stay calm and not lose their shit. I’ve been pushing through since this accident almost three years ago. I can’t believe that somehow I’ve managed this far mentally and financially. I know I’ve had some tough times since this accident but have also been blessed to have people who care for me help me out. Not only financially but mentally as well! I’m so grateful for all of them!!!
All I want to do is be a little physically normal again, I don’t care if I can only fly part-time. I just want to go back to work and fly! I just want to be able to do household chores without chronic pain. Maybe I just want too much? I can at least say that I’m thankful I’m still walking and I know that it could be way worse. But when it seems like the Universe just won’t give you a break, I can understand how it’s easy for some people, myself included, to lose all faith. I’m trying to stay positive and look on the brighter side, easier said than done. I’m trying to find a day that I can just get back to my social media and interact with people. But for those of you have gone through chronic pain you know that some days you just don’t feel like talking… you just want to make it through the day.
It’s kinda funny that I’m dealing with this back issue and now I find out that I have tennis elbow. I’m on steroids and have a wrist brace to wear at night and an elbow brace to wear during the day. At least I can say this, I’ve got that pain and discomfort for my ‘tennis elbow’ under control! It’s even funnier when I see myself in the mirror with my back, wrist and elbow brace on! I look like I would make a great commercial for health insurance (laughing)!
On that note, I’m not trying to be a Debbie-downer (no pun intended), I just want people to know that I can totally relate to a lot of issues when it comes to our health. And especially are mentally health and finances when dealing with health issues. When I’m in pain and limited on things I can do, I think back to when I was a Home Health Aide for Alzheimer clients. How my youngest was 80 and eldest was 90. They would talk to me about what they use to do or could do when they were younger. And though physically they couldn’t do the things they use to do… mentally they’d struggle with realizing they couldn’t be that person anymore. I totally get it and I’m not even close to their age!
I guess in the end, the Universe teaches you what matters the most when you have been through so much physically. It teaches you to not get so caught up in life or arrogant. Because the little things that you love to do now and can do now will eventually be something you can’t do at all. I’m going to stick with one of my sayings… It’s not over till the fat lady sings. And even then, there is still room for negotiations! I chose to push through this pain and discomfort. Expect the worst and appreciate the best. Be grateful I’m breathing. Be thankful I’m still walking. And most importantly… learn from this whole experience whether good or not so good. (Remember, there is no bad, just learning experiences!)
So now that I’ve ranted about my fun adversities that have come my way… I want to let you all know that no matter what my (our) future holds, no matter what my (our) mental or physical state shall be… Always remember, push forward through everything. And even if it feels like a wall has been put up between you and what you want in life… break that wall down and keep pushing through. Because remember, there is ALWAYS room for negotiations!
Hugz & Kisses,