If you have been following me on social media (My blog page, Facebook and Instagram) you probably noticed that I haven’t really been social lately. Maybe a little bit but more so one-sided, sorry for that. I have come to another point in my life, which I know is only temporary, that I have one foot in and one foot out of reality. I’m not happy with myself because of my current health and finance situation. Each day is mentally different for me. There are days where I feel like I’m on top of the world and will conquer this moment and then there are days I just wish the day was over. I’m sure we all have been there, some may even get stuck in that moment but I am the kind of person that can’t be held down for long.
I know what it’s like to struggle with pain and discomfort. Trying to find anything that can help ease the pain just so you can get through the day. Or for that matter, just being able to do a simple household chore. And for those of you who have dealt with chronic pain or dealing with it…mentally trying to stay positive and motivated each day you know is a struggle as well. It’s in these times that I can relate to the elderly. I say elderly because I’m talking about people that have lived a long life and where blessed to do and see things that some people may have never had the chance too. I know how the elderly feel when they reach that age (I’m talking about after 70) where they get caught up in not being able to do things like they use to because of their age or health issues. I get it because I’ve been there at an early age, 51! I can so relate to how it feels to be 70, 80, 90 and not being able to do things for yourself. Not being able to do simple household chores. Not being able to enjoy outdoor activities like you use too. Having to count on someone to take care of you, not feeling 100% independent like you use too. I could go on and on…
I think with understanding all of that it makes me think of that big question. Are you afraid of dying? I’m not sure if I can speak for the elderly but I might be close to what their thinking. No, I’m not afraid of dying… I’m afraid of not living! But living how? Living like I use to when I was at the age I could be independent and free to enjoy this life. It’s like your body says you’re this age but your brain is always stuck on a younger age and making you think that you can still do all that you did when you were agile and not so fragile. Once again, I totally get it because believe it or not… I’ve been there.
I ended up realizing late in life the true meaning of an old saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” That saying is so on point! I know that in my current situation, even though I try to mentally and physically fight it… I’m going through all that I am for a reason. I feel as if this much undesired down time is having me reflect every angle of my life or just life in general. There are times I start to think inside the box about myself and then I step out of that box and view myself from the other side. Perception is everything and I’m learning how to curtail my perception with some positive thinking. More so not reading too much into everything that comes along my way. To accept what is, not ask too many questions or go against the grain. And in the end…. just accept what is, be grateful and understand the life lesson that is being taught to me.
As I have said before, I haven’t worked at all this year due to my back issues. I’ve had to learn to fight those depressing thoughts of I’m a failure and will never get ahead. That I seem to always get the short end of the stick. Even today, I went to see the surgeon and it looks as if I’ll be getting back surgery. I’m not sure what the outcome will be but I always hope for the best. In the meantime, I can’t work and once I have the surgery I’ll be out for 2-3 months. I have physically, mentally and financially struggled through neck and back issues for over 2 years now due to a car accident. I have robbed Peter to pay Paul, had some great friends to help me out financially but have now come to the ends of my means. I’m grateful I lasted this long in the ability to pay my bills but now it’s not possible for me anymore. Years ago I would of been freaking out… and maybe deep down inside I am just a little. But I’m trying to be optimistic, I have a great boyfriend to take care of the roof over my head and put food in my tummy. The rest are just bills and as he says, it’s just credit and my health and well being are more important than having a great credit score. The natural instinct inside of me says, no, I need to take care of my bills, I need to have good credit. But then the intuition side of me says, he’s right, I don’t live for bills… I live for me to enjoy life the best that I can. I think I just get disappointed in myself because I never thought I would be in this situation at my age. I thought I would finally have my career and have a nice little nest egg. Once again, it’s perception of my expectations or maybe it’s the perception of what society and what my life was portrayed to be that I was misguided on. Either way, every day is teaching me something new… whether I like it or not.
Sorry for the rant but I’m sure someone out there can relate and needed to hear that not everything is what it seems to be.
Hugz & Kisses,