Finding Strength Through The Chaos

It’s that time again for me to proudly displaying my life on my sleeve for anyone who needs to hear it; or who can just simply relate to the life lessons the universe has been challenging me (us) with this year. Although frankly, maybe it’s just me writing to get it off my chest and a way of letting it all go. Either way, at the end of the day it’s therapeutic for me and hopefully beneficial for someone out there.

Speaking of this year… I’m sure a majority of you can relate and even agree that this year has been pretty crazy, to say the least. For me, I approached this year as if it was going to be like a really exciting roller-coaster ride with all these twist, turns and tunnels. And when I got off that ride it would give me such a sense of excitement and fulfillment. Except the trials and tribulations of this year were nowhere near my previous analogy of that “really exciting” roller-coaster ride I thought I would take. In fact, some of those twist and turns almost made me hurl and going through those tunnels almost became so dark that I couldn’t even see the light. However with any ride you go on, whether in an amusement park or in life itself, you never know what to expect. You just take that ride in faith and hope it all turns out for the best.

Now let me put a little twist of humor on this craziness. Recently I have been seeing people joke and contrast this year to the movie/game Jumanji. Well all I can say is this, bring on level 12 and let’s get done with this game already! Don’t get me wrong, I love that movie but I don’t need to experience the craziness of it in real life. This world is crazy enough and we all just want to get by, drama free. With that being said and before I go any further with this blog, I want to give you a heads up. This blog might be a tad-bit long and tend to be a little of a “Debbie” (lol) downer but in the end it’s not, it’s just life. I’m learning to take it day by day and believe that there is something bigger for me (us) in all of this chaos. So let’s begin on what continues to challenge me in my life and what obstacles I’m breaking down… shall we?

Debbie vs Tera: If you have been following me, then you know I haven’t worked all year due to health issues. And since my funds have been depleting (with no return coming in), things are getting tight with my finances. However I must add, I’m not in total despair because I have a good boyfriend who keeps a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Although, recently I had a moment of desperation for money to pay my bills (he doesn’t pay for everything). There was this interesting business opportunity that someone recently spoke with me about. If you have been watching my Facebook page then you know it was about doing audible erotica stories. I was going to use my name from when I was in the adult business (almost 30 years ago) and thought it would possibly be a great way to make some money. Nevertheless, the guy I was talking to about this new business adventure brought up a very interesting question to me. He asked me if I really wanted to get back into the adult business. Well, I didn’t think twice about it because in my mind I was thinking that I wasn’t technically getting back into what I use to do. I mean I’m not taking off my clothes. I’m not making an adult movie. All I’m doing is erotic audibles where I can work from home and use the name from my adult film days to market it. Seemed harmless and totally not “back in the business,” at least to me that is.

However, that evening became another sleepless night for me, which is not a good thing. The question that guy asked me earlier in the day ended up pushing it’s way forward to my conscious thoughts. I found myself having that question be the focal point of my thoughts that whole night. I couldn’t ignore it any longer and started to reflect and digest it. Even at one point my principles and morals tried to take over and I struggled with keeping them at bay, why? Because maybe in all honesty I wanted an easy way out. An easy way to make money. Then somewhere that little voice in my head started talking to me. Actually more like “schooling” me. It’s interesting how sometimes the things it says sound crazy but then again, a majority of the time it definitely puts me in check!

That voice reminded me that even though I haven’t worked in nine months, I still have a job. It was telling me to remember that you are still a flight attendant. It’s been your dream career since you were a kid. You worked hard for two years to land that career… don’t do anything to jeopardize it just because of money. It’s just money. That’s when my reasoning kicked in. I thought to myself, yes things may not be easy right now and it can be very frustrating and mentally exhausting but you will get through this because you are a warrior. You are a survivor.

Now I’m not saying that it would of been wrong for me to do this business deal but I believe that you have to hold on to your integrity. More so because I had worked so hard over the past thirty years to change the way I was and become a better version of me. And I also had to remind myself that everything has a time and place. So as far as this business offer, it just wasn’t the right time or place for me to do it. Nevertheless, I never say never. If for whatever reason I end up doing some kind of project later in the future that relates to any adult business, then I’m definitely going to do it with guidelines. And I’m going to do it where I can keep my integrity in tack. So if it isn’t apparent, by the end of that evening and finally getting to bed, I had made my final decision. In the morning I ended up emailing him and saying that I appreciate the idea/offer but I have to pass. Note to self: No regrets. No disappointments. Ever.

Pawly, our puppykitty: As if this year hasn’t been a three ring circus already! My other cat, Bones, who lived with his daddy in Florida passed away in May (just shy of turning 15 years old in June). If you remember, his older brother Spooky lived with me and passed away two years ago before I moved to Vegas. Those two cats were the longest I’ve ever had any animal and there characteristics were so opposite. It broke my heart when Spooky died but my heart was a little more broken when Bones died because I wasn’t there with him. However, I’m grateful that my ex-husband sent me half of Bones ashes and a paw print plaque. Forever grateful. Forever missing them both.

Albeit with the loss of my two cats, I was lucky enough to fall in love with another cat named Pawly (who was 9 years old). He was my boyfriends cat and had been away from him for 5 years due to his step-daughter having allergies. But the universe works in mysterious ways and last October he ended up getting him back from his son. And let me tell you, from the first day that we got him he slept above my head almost every night with his little paw on some part of my head. It was as if he was making sure I knew he was there. Or maybe he knew I needed comforting and that was his was of giving it to me. Pawly had brought me so much laughter, joy and funny memories in such a short time. He had filled that spot in my heart that subconsciously longed for my other cats. He definitely stole my heart and brought back a smile to my face.

Unfortunately, on Sept. 1st and out of the blue he had a seizure. We had no idea what was going on with him, my boyfriend thought he was dying but I wasn’t going to accept that. We had took him to the emergency vet and they kept him overnight for observation. Obviously it was going to be a long sleepless night for us because we were like worried parents. The next morning they released him because he had gone at least 24 hours without a seizure. Excitedly we went to pick him up and they had sent him home with steroids and a seizure medication. He was a bit out of it when we got home so we just let him be and figured he’ll come out of the room when he was ready.

Our poor little guy had been through so much in the past 24 hours and eventually started coming out of the sedation. But he was still wobbly and seemed to be a little confused. I ended up laying down some blankets on the living room floor and Pawly along with my dog Mylo slept there that evening. Although I wish I can say it was an uneventful night, it wasn’t. About every 2-3 hours I was up with Pawly and he was acting unusual. He started to growl, drool and walk around in circles. There were no words and plenty of mixed emotions as I watch our precious furbaby struggle with whatever medical issues he was going through.

The next morning (Sept. 2nd) I brought him back to the emergency vet to have him checked out again. Since I couldn’t go in with him while he was getting checked out, I had to wait in the car. I didn’t like the feeling of the unknown or sitting in my car just staring at the time. Eventually the neurologist called me and said he’s having more seizures and that if it were her cat she would probably have him put down. I was lost for words or emotions and my boyfriend wasn’t with me because he was working at home. At that point I had to make a difficult decision of what to do, it was not an easy one at all. So I took it upon myself to tell the doctor that I would like to take him home so we could have a day or two with him. But also, if I saw his conditioning worsening we would bring him back to be put down. The doctor had then mentioned she could send me home with a second seizure medication on top of the one he was taking. She said it will be enough for five days to see if it helps on minimalizing the seizures. At this point I would try anything and agreed to the new additional medication.

That evening I told my boyfriend to sleep on the one side of the bed because I was going to lay some blankets down at the front of the bed on the floor. I had planned on sleeping there with Pawly so I could keep an eye on him and not worry about him seizing and falling off the bed. That evening I had decided to go to bed a little early because I was exhausted from the night before. As I laid there with Pawly, his head on the pillow, covered up with the blanket and me snuggling him (and Mylo up against my backside) we all fell asleep. However, that sleep wouldn’t last long. Pawly woke up growling, twitching and drooling which went on for over an hour.

Not too long after that and with an abundance of overwhelming emotions and tears, we made the decision to take him to the emergency vet to be put down. I don’t think we had a dry eye for even a second. It was such a heartbreaking moment and I think the only thing that made it a bit easier was the people at the facility we took him too. I was so amazed and grateful how the staff at this facility handled our situation. They got us both in their office with Pawly asap and the doctor explained everything so thoroughly and with such compassion that it made it just a little easier on the heartbreak that was coming.

I think the hardest thing in any death is that we forget that nothing lasts forever. That it has nothing to do with how long we’ve been around someone or our furbabies, it has to do with the unconditional bond of love that we create with them. And when it’s time for them to move on, selfishly we don’t want to let them go because it’s unfathomable to be without them. To be without all that joy. happiness and love they gave us. But we have to remember the good, the moments of joy, happiness and love they gave us that will change us forever because of those moments. RIP Pawly, you are forever in our thoughts and heart!

Medical issues (still): So at the beginning of August I was dealing with some sinus issues. After two weeks I couldn’t take it anymore so I went to my nearest urgent care to get some kind of medicine that might work. The doctor ended up taking an X-ray of my head and chest, along with doing the COVID-19 test. When she came back into the room she verified that I did have a sinus infection, which I pretty much already knew. However, I didn’t know that I also had bronchitis to top it off. She sent me home with steroids, antibiotics and said my Covid-19 test results would be back in three business days. So I got my medications and started to take them with the hopes that they make all my symptoms go away or at least give me some relief.

I guess this isn’t my year with health issues because after taking the meds and a week later, I was still having all the symptoms. Although now let’s add that I had an a new symptom, a sore throat. I will say this, it wasn’t Covid because luckily that test came back negative. I ended up going back to the urgent care and this time she gave me more steroids, cough syrup and penicillin. After five days on the new medications and not seeing a decrease in symptoms, I said whatever. I had a doctor appointment with my primary coming up for my annual physical so I decided to let her deal with it. My annual physical came out well which was sweet music to my ears, something positive. Although as far as my sinus infection and bronchitis, she didn’t want me on anymore steroids or antibiotics so she gave me a kenolog shot. She said I was just having a severe case of allergies and that shot should help.

After another week and only getting some energy back, I still had all the symptoms. Rather than going back to my primary doctor I just had her refer me to an ENT doctor who I see at the end of the month. I really hope that doctor can figure out what’s going on with me because these headaches are driving me crazy! I’ve tried everything to minimize them or get rid of them and nothing has made them go away. And to boot, while I was at my primary doctor I had something else pop up right before my visit with her. Now did you expect anything less exciting from me (laughing)? Out of the blue a lump showed up above my wrist, I didn’t injury it, it just showed up one day. She sent me for an x-ray that showed it was swollen and sent me for an ultrasound which I won’t know what the results are till next week. From the research I did, not to try and self diagnose myself but it may be a ganglion cyst? I guess we’ll see if I’m right or not later this week. In the meantime, I’m hoping that one of these days soon I can actually talk about something positive and not having to do with my health issues… one can only hope!

Counseling: Speaking of craziness! A few weeks ago I reached out to the company I work for because they have this great program for mental health issues. I’ve used their program a few times over the years (dad’s suicide/last divorce) and the sessions have helped me. Considering the year starting off with health issues and then this added pandemic, I saw the red flags. I was starting to get mentally overwhelmed and reached out to a counselor. I’ve only had two sessions so far and I have hopes that it will release some of my anxiety. I’ve also reached out to other programs and tools to help me during these trying times. For those who know my story, mental health is something that I really care about. I have been a victim and survivor of it since I was 7-8 years old. And with that being said, know this. You are not along, we are all in this fight together, especially now-a-days. Don’t feel like you’re a burden to anyone or no one wants to hear your negativity. If you can’t find a close friend or loved one to talk to then please find other ways to reach out for help! You are so worth being here. You are so special. You deserve a chance in this crazy world like everyone else. And remember, I may not know you but my thoughts and heart go deeply out to you! Stay strong my beautiful reader!!! In addition, please reach out to someone if you are feeling down, lost or suicidal. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. They are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

“You have to be at your strongest when you’re feeling at your weakest.” ~ KUSHANDWIZDOM

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