I’ve been feeling a little melancholy lately and thought the song “Comfortably Numb” from Pink Floyd would set the tone for this blog. I’m sure there are tons of people out there who can relate to what I’m dealing with and feeling. And when I think of all the chaotic craziness going on in the world today or in my life, I tend to listen to this song. More so, I hear my grandmother’s voice saying, no matter how bad you have it, it could always be worse. Well, actually she would say, “No matter how bad you have it, think of all those poor babies being born to crack.” However, no disrespect to my grandmother but I think we’ve gone way beyond crack babies. Life has sure been an interesting one this year and at times I do feel as if I am comfortably numb.
However, let me look to the positive side, at least for a moment. I have to give myself a little bit of credit. I have robbed Peter to pay Paul and finagled all my finances for nine months due to health issues and lack of income. But now, there is no more negotiating with Peter and Paul because I have no more tricks up my sleeve to use. Although, as I like to say, “It isn’t over until the fat lady sings… and even then, there is still room for negotiations.” I’m at that point of just appreciating the roof over my head and my health. Well, the health issues still exist and are limiting me physically but I’m still fighting through it all. Actually, in reality I’ve succumb to just taking it one day at a time. It seems that’s all I can do to keep my sanity. So in the mean time, I’m trying to get my health back on track and even though it can get frustrating, I’m really trying to stay positive. Not an easy task to do at times and I could say that everyday gets a bit easier but I’m not going to lie. The mind is a mischievous thing and if you don’t keep it in check… it will definitely try to check you out of this life without thinking twice. I know this so well since I’ve allowed my mind to almost make me check out over a dozen of times in my lifetime. However, recently I started back at counseling that is offered through my job and a life coach with my health insurance. The difference? The counseling coach gives me tools to work with to deal with the stress and anxiety of what is going on in my life. And the counselor, well she just lets me vent. So yes, I’m attacking those negative things in my mind with dual counseling. Hey, why not? Whatever it takes to keep me grounded, not losing it or even doing something obtuse. I’ve been down this road before a plethora of times and honestly… even though I’m pretty much close to the bottom of that pit, I refuse to give up! At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself each day…
Don’t get me wrong, there are days I do feel like throwing in the towel. But I take a second to look back at everything else I been through in life and decide that I can get through this too. It won’t be easy and yes there are some things my pride won’t like but this is just the way life is right now. I tell myself, don’t judge this moment and hardship with throwing in the towel. Remember, there were plenty of times throughout my life I could of done that and this isn’t any different. Sometimes I just want to yell at the Universe, “What more do you want from me!” Then my mind tries to figure out why me, why have I been chosen to go through all the things I have in life. I mean sure, everyone goes through something, everyone has a story. And yes, I understand that God only gives you as much as you can handle. But seriously…. it’s not like I don’t learn from the lessons life throws my way. I just wish that I can have some ease and relaxation in my life… at least for a little bit.
“Stop. Breathe. Cry if you must.” ~ Unknown