My Heart And Soul Belongs To Music

During major pivotal points in my life, I’ve noticed a co-dependency on something. What is that something? It’s music! One thing I’ve realized in my life is this: when I needed consoling I wouldn’t turn to a person to lean on because maybe I was afraid of judgment. So instead I would turn to music because I felt it was the only thing that could empathize with my feelings. Or maybe I just didn’t want to hear anyone’s opinions because I felt that they wouldn’t understand. All I know is that I believe in my heart and especially with all of the counseling I’ve gone through in my life that there is this. You just need to be alone and find that something to make what you already know surface. Call it a gut feeling or intuition but it is always right. It’s that something deep down inside of you that knows what you have to face and overcome to keep moving forward.

When I was 16 years old and your typical teenage rebel, I turned to the band Queensryche. Songs like: Walk In The Shadows, Take Hold Of The Flame and Silent Lucidity (just to name a few) which got me through my teenage years. Those where my years of pain, confusion, not feeling like I belong because I felt different than others. Those songs guided me with such ambition to break free from society’s norm and find MY way in life on my own.

It wasn’t until my late 20’s while dealing with the decision of what to do next with my life, I turned to music again. The band of choice I turned too was Loverboy. I recall living in Tampa and would out of the blue take trips to Key West. There was one time I was cleaning my apartment and all of a sudden I would have an urge to leave. So I left my cleaning supplies out and packed a bag and in a flash was off driving to Key West. I would roll down my windows in my 1987 Firebird with the t-tops off and blast my Loverboy cassette. I got so caught up in the music and the feeling of beautiful weather around me or sometimes the words to the songs that it felt like I forgot all my worries. Going over the 8 mile bridge, feeling the warmth of the sun and cool breeze jamming to When It’s Over, Take Me To The Top and Turn Me Loose. Yeah that’s all it took at that moment to get away and regroup.

In-between the years there were some songs that would stick with me, come and go more frequently than others. It’s not like I would think of them but it was as if the Universe knew exactly when to pop these songs into my head. I know, it sounds crazy but now looking back I understand… they were there to guide me, make me stronger and not give up. Some of these songs were: Krokus – Screaming In The Night, Kix – Don’t Close Your Eyes & Blow My Fuse, Whitesnake – Here I Go Again (played more times in my life than expected), White Lion – Little Fighter, Billy Squier – In The Dark, Rainbow – Stone Cold and my friends, The Nelson Brothers – After The Rain. Those are just a few to name a plethora of songs that reached my mind, heart and soul on and off through my life journey.

In my 30’s when I lived in South Carolina I had turned to Steve Perry and The Fixx music. I felt alone but also felt free and that I was unstoppable! I loved my new place and how I decorated it. It was my own and I think that accomplishment over shadowed me dwelling on the obvious that I had nobody. In 2006 I was living in Tamp, FL. when my father died. The music the Universe selected for me was the Three Days Grace album, One X. I think I wore that CD down with the consent playing of it, especially the song Animal I’ve Become. Those lyrics were truly what I felt like I had become from that horrible experience of that day when he took his life. But you know what, the lyrics of those songs made me feel that they were written for me because it was exactly how I was feeling. It was probably one of the most worst emotional times in my life and to get in my car, roll the windows down and crank that CD… it was something I believe that got me through those rough, deep and dark moments.

Then years went by before I would need to be co-dependent on music to help me through more of my life challenges. The next time I would need music to get me through another emotional life pivot point was during my last divorce. It was 2016 and my heart and soul turned to Foreigner’s Greatest Hits. I’d played those songs over and over but it was one certain song that got me to come to terms with reality. That the demise of my marriage was not totally my fault, that I wasn’t a bad person and that this was just another relationship that was not meant for me. That song? The Damage Is Done. That song just rocketed me into my next journey of my life. It was like those words gave me all the power I needed to not allow my emotions to get in the way of what I had to do to get back on my feet and get back out there in the world… once again, on my own.

In 2017 when I had moved back home to Chicago, something I never thought I would have done. Even when my dad was alive, he would always ask me when I was moving back home. But I knew I couldn’t because I felt as if going back home would put me back in a place where I felt as if would be enslaved from reaching my full potential. And honestly, it reminded me of things that I didn’t want to relive. Besides the time when I came home to help my father, after 13 months of living back home after my last divorce, it was enough for me. I had turned to the music of Journey, Trial by fire. That album really was gut retching to my heart and soul. It was almost like it was cleansing all the negative feelings I had and all that hurt I wouldn’t let myself face of my fourth failed marriage.

In 2018 when I let the Universe guide me to Las Vegas to live, I turned to Luther Vandross and Richard Marx. The Universe took everything away from me: my marriage, my son (who moved back to Florida), Bailey and Bones (who stayed with my ex), Spooky (who passed away before I moved) and Mylo (who I had to leave with my sister). To this day I feel as if I was planted into that desert with everything I loved taken from me to teach me a life lesson. I may sound crazy but I think that lesson was to teach me to appreciate the little things in life. That we can’t control everything, everything happens for a reason. And if we learn to detach from things, realize that nothing last forever and to truly appreciate what you have, then maybe you’ll have a different perspective on things. Maybe it will make things less painful when you don’t have them anymore. More importantly, during that time I learned to really let go of the hurt of my father’s suicide and really learn to understand who I was and love me for who I am. A kind person with a big heart, open minded and always looking to evolve myself to becoming a better human being. And most importantly, appreciate the little things and never allow myself to get caught up in my life so much that I forget to find the time for the ones I care about and love.

It took the song of the Foo Fighters – There Goes My Hero to realize I needed to let go of the hurt and anger of my fathers death. And it took the song by Richard Mark – Children Of The Night to realize that the past does not define you, it’s what you make of you future through lessons learned, strength and determination to achieve who you believe you are meant to be.

“Dear Music, Thanks for always clearing my head, healing my heart, and lifting my spirits.” ~ Lori Deschene

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